i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dicks are not precious.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
