Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
