I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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