she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
