last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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