I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
