Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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