The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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