Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
