I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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