I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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