Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
