Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
