She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
