I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
