I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
