Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
