We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
