How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize