u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
