Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
