Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
