TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
