Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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