I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
