I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
