He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
