Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
