dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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