i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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