good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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