Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
