wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This is classic penis vs brain.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
