Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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