Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
