Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I need a burrito and a hug.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
