I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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