I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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