I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
