i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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