dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
