im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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