I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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