my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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