I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
