i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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