Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
