every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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