Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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