At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
