Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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